


Drunken Debates

by orphan_account



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Can be read as gen, Drunken Shenanigans, I tried to keep it judeo-christian instead of just christian, One Shot, Talk about religion, The smallest of angst, also tried to characterize them more to the book then TV but idk how that went, drinkin bitchh, literally blink and it's gone, not at all romantic, talk about faith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:47:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21544759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “Well, if it were me..,“Ah, ah ah, you can’t know for sure angel-”“Please, let me finish,” Aziraphale sat up straighter as if he needed to relieve stress off his lower back. “If it were my soul, I would do good because I know it’s right, and it’s what She would want me to do.”“Bold words from someone who wanted to kill a child,” Crowley muttered.Aziraphale glared outright this time.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Drunken Debates

**Author's Note:**

> literally just a debate that's it this was inspired by a talk I had with a religious friend.

Crowley had been in a mood when he arrived at the bookshop that night, but that wasn’t anything new. As the demon walked through the foyer of the bookshop, Aziraphale quickly excused himself, grabbed his wineglasses, and made space in the backroom for his friend to sit comfortably. 

Crowley was just nice enough to bring a bottle and they finished it in silence, but as the night went on, more and more of Aziraphale’s collection dwindled.

After a pouring him and Crowley another glass, the demon spoke up. “Wanna debate the ethics of faith?”

The conversation piqued Aziraphale’s interest. They haven’t had a debate since before the whole end times fiasco and didn’t that feel like the longest week ever? “Oh? What’s this about faith?”

Crowley smiled thinly. “I… believe God set up a system that has doomed humans to go to hell.”

The bold remark stunned Aziraphale. “What? How so?” he asked after a few moments of silence. And then, he stopped and thought for a second. “That’s a stupid claim. There are humans in heaven!”

“Yes, I’ll explain. But first, I need to ask. Do you think you are a good person?”

Aziraphale blew out a sigh that made Crowley think he was unsure of himself. “I’d like to think so, yes.”

“Great! We on the same page about that one then. But- sorry, jumpin’ round- You remember that old story ‘bout the widow and her charitable donation of two cents?”

The topic change to the Bible almost sobered Aziraphale up. “Yes, The Widow’s Mite, Mark 12:41-”

“Yes, yes enough of that,” Crowley said into his glass. “And since you can recall what book it’s in I’m guessssing I don’t have to give you a crash course on why it’s important?

A wistful look had fallen onto the Angel’s face. “It was all she had. It couldn’t buy the church even the cheapest wine, but in the eyes of the almighty,” Aziraphale pointed upwards, “those two cents meant more than all of El Dorado and it’s splendor.”

That last comment threw Crowley completely off guard, making him lose his train of thought. “Never been there.”

Aziraphale almost laughed at his friend, “It’s not real, that’s why.”

“Well if Atlantis is real, why can’t El Dorado be?”

“Because Adam wished it.” Aziraphale poured himself another glass of wine. “But please, carry on dear boy.”

“Right. Where was I?” Crowley squinted at the candles on the coffee table as if they would help him find his train of thought.

“Err, Something about widows?” Aziraphale helped unhelpfully.

“Widows...widows, oh- right, right!” Crowley straightened up in his chair to grab Aziraphale’s full attention, as, at the moment, it was undoubtedly divided between this conversation and the wine in his hand. “Okay. Final question. What is the main goal, of a believer? 

At Aziraphale’s puzzled look, Crowley continued. “I mean like after they die? What do they have planned after death?  
  


“Why, go to paradise, of course!”

“Right! So-”

“No one in their right mind has ever planned on going to hell.”

“Angel-”

But Aziraphale was caught up in his own disbelief. “In fact, I would argue that _no_ one has ever planned on going to hell after they died!” He sloshed his cup around, unconcerned that Crowley was trying to get his attention.

“Aziraphale I wasn’t finished-” Crowley pressed.

“Huh? Oh right, yes sorry. Please continue.”

“Thanks. So, as I was saying... if believers think that after they die, they will go to a world filled with eternal euphoria, how do you know that what they are doing is for the right reason?”

Aziraphale tried hard to follow Crowley’s thought process, but what came out was, “What?”

“I mean,” Crowley tried again, “How can a human be sure they are a good person if every action they take is tied to whether or not they get that golden ticket to the Wonka factory in the sky?”

Aziraphale gave the Demon a stern look. “They aren’t doing things just to get into heaven, dear.”

“B-But everything good they do they have something to gain. Faith is implicitly tieing one’s actions to achieve their intent. How can you know?”

“Well, if it were me.., 

“Ah, ah ah, you can’t know for sure angel-”

“Please, let me finish,” Aziraphale sat up straighter as if he needed to relieve stress off his lower back. “If it were my soul, I would do good because I know it’s right, and it’s what She would want me to do.”

“Bold words from someone who wanted to kill a child,” Crowley muttered. 

Aziraphale glared outright this time. “But that’s exactly my point, I was okay with that because I believed that killing Adam is what She wanted me to do. That’s what I believed the plan to be.”

Crowley raised an eyebrow. “This is the most confident I’ve ever heard you in my life.” He took a sip from his wineglass. “But like you said, you are doing as She says, and how you worded that it doesn’t particularly sssound like you wanted to kill Adam,” Crowley frowned down at his empty wineglass. “Which is, exactly _my_ point.” 

“‘Nd what’s so wrong about that?” Aziraphale asked, pouring his friend another drink.

“What’s _wrong…_ is that a human has everything to gain by being a good person. Eternal life filled with orgasmic blisssss.”

Aziraphale’s face scrunched up at the distasteful description.

“Wha’ I’m trying to get at is, do you honestly **_think_** , that if the almighty didn’t promise paradise, there would be as many believers as there are now?” Crowley shook his head. “Take away the top prize at the end.”

Aziraphale paused. “Well, I think it would reveal who really is a believer and who isn’t.”

The two stayed quiet after that for a moment. Aziraphale stared at the candles between them while Crowley paid close attention to the ceiling above. Then, “Why...why do you think there’s heaven?”

“Because that’s what She wanted,” Aziraphale said matter of factly.

‘Ngh- no you idiot. I’m asking you to think,” Crowley looked back at his friend now. “Why do you think She lets humans go to heaven?”

Aziraphale pursed his lips.

“Why do you think God made heaven?” Crowley tried again.

“Because of Love, of course,” The Angel sighed to Crowley’s chagrin.

“Ugh.”

“No, I’m serious! Look at me. Perfectly- perfectly serious,” Aziraphale put the wineglass down. “She loves humans and wanted to give them the opportunity. It’s up to them, however,” he burped, “to follow her though. Because She gave them free will-”

“She most certainly did not give them free will,” Crowley laughed.

“Yes, she did-” 

“Did not! That’s the- that’s the whole point of Adam and Eve when they were in the garden!” Crowley was standing now, waving his arms in disbelief. “Those two, they din’t have free will ‘til they ate the apple.”

“You’ve gone all daft on me. Demon. How could they have taken a bite if they didn’t have free will?” Aziraphale questioned.

“Well, to have free will, you need to understand right from wrong. And since that’s exactly what the fruit of knowledge provided, they didn’t have free will until after they took a bite.”

Aziraphale disagreed, and told Crowley so. “I disagree. Free will is based upon actions. They chose to take the bite, even after they were instructed not to.”

“Welllllll, technically, Eve was tempted, if my memory is anything to go by.”

Aziraphale shook his head. “Temptation is a part of decisions. She decided to eat the apple. You didn’t force it down her throat.”

“Right, I didn’t do that. But in the same way a child doesn’t know why they shouldn’t touch fire, how could she know why it was wrong?” 

“Because capital _She_ told them it was wrong. They disobeyed.”

“They didn’t know any better. They were just curious.”

Aziraphale couldn’t tell who exactly Crowley was talking about at the moment, and decided that even though he was very drunk, he should probably think very carefully about what his next words should be.

“But Adam and Eve knew they were disobeying.” It wasn’t a question. Aziraphale studied his friend with a deliberate eye as he processed his words.

Crowley stopped his arm-waving and instead kept looking back and forth at Aziraphale as if he had a retort but was denying himself from speaking. Then, he sat back down and said in a small voice, “Yes… I guess that they knew they were disobeying.”

Aziraphale nodded, not knowing how else to continue to conversation.

“It just seems like a harsh punishment for wanting to know why.”

Even though the two had drunk nearly half of the Angel’s wine cellar away(not to mention half of the night away as well), Aziraphale felt his throat dry up in that moment. 

Then, miraculously, Crowley laughed. “Well, what does it matter, they wouldn’t have known right from wrong if they didn’t take a bite.”

“What? No, they knew it was wrong to disobey… ‘nd they still did it,” It felt like all Aziraphale was doing tonight was pouring Crowley more wine, but to both of their annoyance, the bottle was empty. Sighing, Azirphale placed it onto the coffee table and sat back into his chair.

“Noooo, they didn’t know it was wrong they just knew they had to be obdei- obedient.” Crowley rolled his shoulders to cracked his back. “There’s a difference, Angel. Good doesn’t equal obedient,” he sighed as his spine popped, relaxing him even deeper into his chair.

“Well if you know you have to do something ‘nd you go against it, then you know what you’re doin, is- it’s wrong.”

Crowley frowned at his Angel as if he were disappointed. “That’s not a great way of looking at the world,” he said, grabbing a new bottle. “Very dangerous, that,” he said with the cork between his teeth.

_POP!_

“Because then,” 

Chilled wine poured into his glass, 

“You become complacent. And If you don’t question authority,” 

A sip.

“How will you know that your leader, messssiah, _whatever_ is benevolent?”

“To be honest I don’t think humans would need to question authority if Adam and Eve never bit the apple.”

“Then it wasn’t free will,” Crowley said with an air of finality.

Aziraphale shook his head fondly. “If you say so, my dear,” He then stook his hand out. “Pour me another glass, will you?”

Crowley did just that and clinked their glasses together. “Hey. Here’s to freewill and irrelevant debates.”

“Here here.”

They continued on into the night with more enthusiasm, as they discussed the future. What were a Bastard Angel and Nice Demon to do now with their lives? They both recognized that it was never explicitly stated they would stay together, but they were equally relieved when the other didn’t seem keen on being without the other once more. So they talked plans on what they would do together, without a care in the world who was listening in.

**Author's Note:**

> what did u expect im a mexican with catholic's guilt thats almost as bad as an irishmen with catholic's guilt


End file.
